Yeah dudes will hook up with people they don’t find attractive for sure. This is why there are so many single people in their 40s. So, to save you the trouble of finding a good dating app or to keep you from falling into such. This platform only favours those who are looking for.

I’m on Tinder constantly for my comedy show “Tinder Live,” and I often see men say in their dating profiles: “I don’t want a pen pal. Let’s actually meet up.”

Every time I think: “Of course you don’t want a pen pal. Who does?”

My theory is that before women commit to spending meeting up with someone, they want to get a sense of: (a) Is he safe? and (b) Is he worth actually going on a date with?

I hear so often from men and women on dating apps who are frustrated that they’ve ended up as pen pals, so I spoke with several daters and a psychologist to try get to the bottom of whether daters want to be pen pals, or if it’s just something that happens when you’re trying to meet your soul mate but you’re too tired to put on pants and go out.

1. The texting chemistry isn’t crazy strong, but it’s enough to pass the time.

In the often-lonely world of online dating, it makes sense that a bird in the hand (i.e. a match on a swiping app) is better than zero birds at all, which is what a 29-year-old woman in Nottingham, England, told me about her last Tinder pen pal. “I’m not sure if we’ll ever meet up because while I think he’s hot, I’m not sure I feel much of that sort of chemistry. But I enjoy chatting with him so I don’t view it as a waste of time.”

Though that’s extremely relatable, you’ll never really know if you have that chemistry with someone unless you meet them in person. So in an effort to get out of the pen pal loop, you have to take that leap of faith. Yes, it could be a huge waste of time, but what if it’s not?!

2. They don’t want all the wonderful chemistry they have with you online to fizzle IRL.

Cassandra, a 27-year-old now-partnered woman in New York, had a very relatable reason for having OkCupid pen pals: She worried that meeting in person wouldn’t live up to all the fun they’d had talking online. “I have a very distinct memory of messaging someone for WEEKS on OkCupid — witty, flirty, banter about our favorite books and TV shows. I felt actually exhilarated when I saw his user name pop up in my inbox,” she said in an email. We they finally met in person, she says, “it was like dead air between us. I don’t know if we wasted all of our chemistry online, or we didn’t have any chemistry to begin with.” After that letdown, she never wanted to have that online buildup and in-person letdown again.

To avoid this, try meeting up after a few texts so you get to the in-person reality sooner.

3. They’re insecure about actually meeting people.

The whole “I want people who actually want to meet up” problem is very real. But many people don’t want to meet up because of their own insecurities, a 23-year-old woman in Washington state told me. “I’m tall for a girl (5’11”) but I don’t have anything about my height in my bio and I don’t want to be one of those people who makes a ‘if you’re under 6 ft, don’t bother’ type of demand,” she said in an email. “I usually respond to all of my messages, but I almost never meet up with anyone because I’m so stressed that they’ll show up and I’ll be 6 inches taller than them, and we’ll both have to struggle through an uncomfortable date that neither of us is interested in pursuing.”

When does she take the plunge? “I’ll meet with guys who ask me out if I know they’re taller than I am,” she wrote.

Sometimes you just want someone to make you feel as if you’re attractive and wanted at the click of a button, which is what Tim, a 32-year-old single man in Buffalo, told me is the reason for his Bumble pen pal. “I kept the [messages] because they’re a nice ego boost if I’m ever feeling a bit spotty about my worth. We also exchanged a lot of Spotify music, so that ended up being kind of her legacy in my life, some great music I’d not been introduced to yet.”

Understandably, many people have been burned or let down while trying to date online and may have lost the will to deeply invest in online matches. Stacy Notaras Murphy, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C., said via email that many of her patients who online date admit that they’re “not 100 percent into the experience of dating any of those potential matches. They swipe and play around online from time to time, but aren’t expecting it to lead to anything. It’s incredibly frustrating for those who are really trying to make a connection.” To be fair, Murphy adds that this phenomenon can also happen when you meet people in bars or at parties and have no idea if they just like flirting or if they want something real.

So again, the irritating reality comes back to the fact that most people are often so afraid to take that leap, to hope, to care, to invest. But if we ever want to get out of Pen Pal Hell, that’s the only thing that will get us there.

Don’t assume that cute, smart guy is on a dating app to find his soulmate. An Esquire survey found that only 48% of men are on Bumble to find a relationship, while only 42% are looking for relationships on Tinder. Yikes. There are other reasons why that sexy guy with the corgi dog in his profile picture has joined a dating app, and some might surprise you.

He’s feeling a little lonely.
He’s been out of the game for ages and just wants to make a connection. Yeah, he’s into you when he swipes right, but what’s driving him is the fact that he hasn’t had sex or emotional intimacy since Trump came into power. Beware.

He’s bored.
Have you noticed how many lazy guys there are on dating apps? It’s like they can’t be bothered to have a real conversation. That’s because they’re just there because they want easy entertainment without having to put in much effort. You can spot the bored guy by how he’ll ditch a conversation halfway through when real life comes knocking or how he only seems interested to sext because it’s easier to snap a picture of his naked body than talk about himself. Ugh.

He’s a drunk user.
He had a moment when he was totally faded and thought, “Maybe dating apps would be cool to try?” That explains why he’s hardly filled out his profile and seems like a light user. He’s the type who’ll say, “Hey!” and maybe crack a few jokes but then never talk to you again because when he’s sober he realizes what a time-sucker dating apps are.

His best friend got married.
He thought he could be single forever until his best friend got hitched. Then suddenly he realized time’s running out, he’s almost 30, and he really should try to meet a nice woman, so he signed up. He doesn’t really like the app so he’s laying low until he sees someone interesting. Basically, he’s just going through the motions because he’s burdened by the societal pressure to find someone.

He’s horny.
Of course, people love using dating apps to get sex, and it’s still really common. The same Esquire survey found that 47% of people surveyed use Tinder specifically to hook up. Ugh.

He’s checking out the scene.
He’s already in a relationship but he’s keen to check out women that are out there. It’s like relationship window shopping. If he’s decent, he’ll tell you that he’s taken. A scary study by Global Web Index found that 42% of people on Tinder are already in relationships.

He’s hoping to forget about his ex.
He just broke up with his ex and it was brutal so he’s hoping to feel better about relationships and maybe even forget all about her. Enter dating apps, which give him some eye candy and help him feel better about himself when a hot woman initiates conversation.

He doesn’t know what he wants.
You know the guy who says he’s just there to “see what happens”? Yeah, he’s a man without a plan. He’s not there because he knows what he wants but just to waste time or figure out if dating apps are for him. Avoid at all costs.

He wants something casual.
Then there’s the guy who’s enjoyable to chat to but he says that he’s looking for a “fun relationship.” This is confusing: does he want sex or a real connection? More like a blend of the two. He wants a relationship that’s casual and pleasurable and perhaps gives him someone to enjoy skydiving with, just without any real commitment.

He’s keen for some “talking”.
Sometimes guys go on dating apps because they just want to talk and get to know women without actually meeting them. It sounds weird but it’s really common. A study by LendEDU found that more than 70% of people on Tinder have never met up with matches in real life. WTF is everyone talking about?!

He wants a confidence boost.
It can feel really good to see that sexy, interesting people on a dating app are into you, and those guys who chat for a bit then disappear are often just chasing their next confidence boost. The same LendEDU study found that 44% of people on Tinder are using the app to get an ego stroke.

He wants to feel sexier than he is in real life.
Some people treat dating apps in the same way they treat social media: it’s a numbers game. They just want to see how many people they can be liked by, even if it’s not genuine liking. When a guy who’s not sexy or confident in RL gets loads of attention on a dating app, it’s powerful stuff. The downside is that he’ll probably be catfishing his way into a date with you. Not cool.

He “uses dating apps when he travels.”
He’s keen to try dating apps when he’s traveling to different countries so he can connect with the locals. In other words, have exciting one-night-stands and flings with exotic women. Dude, just ’cause you dress it up as an artistic hobby, it’s still just hooking up!

He really wants to meet someone.
Of course, there are always going to be men who use dating apps because they genuinely want to find someone nice to have a relationship with. Some might even be interested in love! You just never know…

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